What every parent and carer needs to know about self-harm: Part 1 of 2

A gentle note before we begin: This article discusses self-harm in detail. If you're currently struggling, please be gentle with yourself as you read. If you're a parent or carer seeking to understand, thank you for being here. Your willingness to learn could make all the difference to a young person in your life.

Few things are more terrifying for a parent than discovering their child has been hurting themselves. The shock, the guilt, the desperate questions: Why didn't I see this? What did I do wrong? How do I fix this?

If you're reading this because you've just found out, or because you're worried, or because something doesn't feel right, I want you to take a breath. The fact that you're here, trying to understand, already puts you ahead. So many young people suffer in silence because the adults around them don't know what to look for or are too afraid to ask.

This isn't going to be an easy read. But it's an important one. Because understanding is the first step towards helping.

What Is Self-Harm, Really?

Self-harm, sometimes called non-suicidal self-injury (NSSI), is when someone deliberately hurts their own body without intending to end their life. That distinction matters. While self-harm and suicide are connected in complicated ways, most young people who self-harm are not trying to die. They're trying to cope.

The most common methods include cutting (affecting around 73% of those who self-harm), scratching (72%), hair pulling (51%), banging or hitting (12%), and pinching (10%). Most injuries happen on the upper arms and thighs, places that are easy to hide under clothing.

And here's something that might surprise you: this isn't rare. It's not something that only happens to "troubled" kids from "difficult" backgrounds. Research shows that around 22% of adolescents will self-harm at some point in their lives. In clinical populations, that number rises to 30% or higher. We're talking about roughly one in five young people.

Let that sink in for a moment. In any classroom, any friendship group, any sports team, statistically, there are young people who are struggling with this right now.

Let's Clear Up Some Myths

There's so much misunderstanding around self-harm, and these myths can actually make things worse. So let's tackle a few head-on.

"It's just attention-seeking." This is probably the most damaging myth of all. The reality? Most young people who self-harm go to extraordinary lengths to hide it. They wear long sleeves in summer. They make excuses about injuries. They carry deep shame about what they're doing. Research shows that when young people do reach out, they typically turn to siblings or friends rather than adults, and a huge majority actively deny wanting attention from family members. This isn't a cry for attention. It's a silent scream of pain.

"Only girls self-harm." While it's true that around 70% of those who self-harm are female, that still leaves 30% who are male. Boys do self-harm, but they often use different methods and are even less likely to seek help due to stigma around male emotional expression. We cannot afford to miss them.

"They'll grow out of it." Some do. Many don't. Research shows that around 56% of adolescents who self-harm continue doing so in subsequent years, with some developing high-frequency repetitive patterns. Without understanding and support, self-harm can become an entrenched coping mechanism that follows young people into adulthood.

"If they were really struggling, they'd tell someone." Here's a heartbreaking statistic: only 15.64% of young people who self-harm ever seek professional help. The shame, the fear of being judged, the worry about burdening others, these keep the vast majority silent. They're not failing to ask for help. They're trapped by barriers we need to help them break down.

Why Do Young People Hurt Themselves?

This is the question that haunts every parent. And the answer, while complex, might help you understand what your child is going through.

The number one reason, reported by 85% of young people who self-harm, is emotional regulation. When emotions become too big, too overwhelming, too impossible to bear, physical pain can provide a release. It sounds counterintuitive, but for someone drowning in emotional agony, the sharp clarity of physical sensation can feel like coming up for air.

Other reasons include:

Self-punishment (35%): Many young people carry deep shame or self-hatred. They feel they deserve to be hurt. This is particularly common in those who've experienced trauma or abuse.

Feeling alive (25%): For those experiencing emotional numbness or dissociation, self-harm can be a way to feel something, anything, when everything else feels flat and grey.

Social communication (50%): Sometimes self-harm is the only way a young person knows how to express pain they can't put into words.

What's crucial to understand is that self-harm works, at least in the short term. It provides genuine, if temporary, relief. That's why it's so hard to stop. It has nothing to do with being weak or dramatic. It's simply a way to dull unbearable pain when nothing else seems to help.

What Makes Some Young People More Vulnerable?

Self-harm doesn't come out of nowhere. There are factors that increase risk, and understanding them can help us intervene earlier.

Childhood trauma is the strongest predictor, with a risk ratio of 3.2. This includes physical, emotional, or sexual abuse, neglect, or witnessing domestic violence. Emotional abuse specifically shows the strongest direct connection to self-harm.

Peer bullying comes next, with a risk ratio of 2.8. Being victimised by peers, excluded, or struggling to make friends creates the kind of chronic stress and shame that can tip a vulnerable young person towards self-harm.

Family conflict (risk ratio 2.5) plays a significant role. This doesn't mean you've failed as a parent. It means that when home doesn't feel safe or stable, young people lack a crucial buffer against life's difficulties.

Depression (risk ratio 2.3) and low self-esteem (risk ratio 2.1) are also strongly connected. Around 70% of young people who self-harm also experience depression. These conditions feed each other in painful cycles.

Other factors include single-parent households, substance use, exposure to self-harm content online, and having friends who self-harm. The more risk factors present, the higher the vulnerability.

A Note on Neurodivergence

If you've been following The Honest Journey, you'll know we talked about neurodivergence here. And there's a reason I'm mentioning it now.

Young people with autism, ADHD, and other neurodevelopmental conditions are at significantly higher risk of self-harm. The emotional dysregulation that's central to many neurodivergent experiences, combined with social difficulties, sensory overwhelm, and often years of feeling like they don't fit in, creates a perfect storm.

If your child is neurodivergent, or you suspect they might be, this is especially important information. And if they're self-harming without any obvious "reason," it might be worth exploring whether there's an undiagnosed condition underneath.

Warning Signs to Watch For

Young people are often skilled at hiding self-harm, but there are signs that might indicate something is wrong:

Physical signs: Unexplained cuts, bruises, or burns; wearing long sleeves or trousers even in warm weather; reluctance to participate in activities that involve showing skin (swimming, PE); frequent "accidents" that don't quite add up.

Behavioural changes: Withdrawal from friends and activities; spending more time alone, especially in bathrooms or bedrooms; increased secrecy; possession of sharp objects without a clear reason; wearing wristbands or jewellery that's never removed.

Emotional indicators: Expressions of hopelessness, worthlessness, or self-hatred; difficulty handling emotions; increased irritability or emotional outbursts; talking about feeling numb or empty.

Trust your instincts. If something feels off, it probably is. It's always better to ask and be wrong than to stay silent and miss a chance to help.

Where Do We Go From Here?

If you've read this far, you now understand more about self-harm than most people ever will. You know it's not attention-seeking. You know it's a coping mechanism for unbearable pain. You know the risk factors and the warning signs.

But understanding is only the first step. In Part 2 of this series, we'll talk about what to actually do. How to have that terrifying conversation. What helps and what makes things worse. The treatments that work. And most importantly, the protective factors that can help keep young people safe.

Because here's what I want you to hold onto: there is hope. With the right support, young people can and do recover. They learn healthier ways to cope. The pain does ease. Recovery is absolutely possible.

If you're a young person reading this and recognising yourself, please know: you're not broken. You're not attention-seeking. You're not weak. You're someone in pain who found a way to survive. And you deserve support to find better ways.

If you're a parent or carer, please know: this isn't your fault. And your love, your willingness to understand, and your presence matter more than you know.

If you or someone you know is struggling:

Samaritans: 116 123 (free, 24/7)

Childline: 0800 1111 (free, for under 19s)

Young Minds Crisis Messenger: Text YM to 85258

SHOUT: Text SHOUT to 85258