Rethinking Forgiveness: Why It's More Complex Than We're Told

Recently, I came across a newsletter about forgiveness that offered familiar advice: "Forgiveness is a decision you need to make for yourself, not because the other person deserves it, but because you deserve it." It encouraged readers to focus on the future, let things go, and try to see things from the other person's perspective.

But is forgiveness really that straightforward? The definition suggests it is "a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness."

Yet something crucial is missing from this framing. To forgive, you must first feel hurt. "Hurt" means experiencing pain, and pain is an emotion, not simply a cognitive process. You cannot casually decide to forgive and consider it done.

What's often overlooked is the need to allow yourself to feel the pain, process the emotions from the traumatic event, and give yourself grace, time, and space to heal. You cannot bypass grief, anger, or hurt through choice alone.

Two Types of Forgiveness 

Psychological research reveals an important distinction between two types of forgiveness. Decisional forgiveness involves choosing to reduce negative behaviour toward someone, whilst emotional forgiveness represents an actual change in feelings toward that person. Emotional forgiveness is linked to healing and recovery on a deeper level, and it cannot be rushed. You cannot emotionally forgive on a timeline. You need to move through the pain, not around it.

The Trauma Perspective 

The trauma perspective adds another essential layer. As trauma specialist Dr Gabor Maté notes, "Trauma isn't what happened to you; it's what happened inside you as a result of what happened to you." There are many levels of hurt, from someone taking your parking spot to a friend lying, from being cheated on to enduring years of abuse or molestation.

These are vastly different experiences, and the emotional intensity varies significantly. The neurological and psychological imprint of trauma needs time and often therapeutic support to heal. Someone taking your parking space might upset you momentarily without long-term emotional consequences, but what about the person who abused and manipulated you for years? Should we practice empathy and see things from their perspective?

The answer is nuanced. Whilst understanding context can be a useful tool in processing events and facilitating healing, it doesn't extinguish the pain associated with what happened. True forgiveness exists when you can recall an event and feel no anger or negative emotional reaction. This is never an instant decision. It takes time to heal, and that's perfectly acceptable.

When Forgiveness Can Cause Harm 

However, there's also a darker side to forgiveness we must address. In some cases, particularly within abusive or manipulative relationships, forgiving without addressing underlying problems can enable harmful behaviour to continue. Sometimes the healthiest choice isn't to forgive but to establish firm boundaries or remove yourself from the situation entirely. Repeatedly forgiving for your own wellbeing can actually cause harm if there are no boundaries in place to protect yourself.

Forgiveness, regardless of whether the other person deserves it, will come in its own time, through its own process, only when it's truly earned deep inside you. Healing cannot be rushed, and your timeline is valid.